My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
