So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
