Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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