I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
