Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
