where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
