i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
