if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
