New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
