I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
