HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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