Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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