Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
