My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
