in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
