Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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