The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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