A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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