I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
