Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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