Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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