I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
