my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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