Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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