why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My pussy is not your playground.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
