If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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