I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
