So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
