he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
