if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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