proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
