and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
it's like iHOP with fire
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
