im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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