Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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