just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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