I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i drank out of a bidet.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
