Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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