I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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