the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
