I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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