Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Is it penis luge time yet?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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