I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
