girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
