All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
