While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
