I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
