I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
