you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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