He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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