I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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