Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
